I got an e-mail today about this video being on Operah, I was at work so I wasn’t able to see it, but I found it on a friends website and wanted to stop and share it. Last winter and early spring were a really difficult time for Ben and I. We thought everything was fine with our baby and even though his eyes crossed a little and he sometimes seemed behind, people would just say “he’ll catch up!” and we didn’t have any reason to believe otherwise. January changed all of that. Due to billing and insurance conflicts, (which were ultimately settled in our favor- why do insurance companies have to be so horrible?)we had to wait months to get back in to the clinic for his 3 month check up that we got when he was 8 months old. That was when our dear doctor who we love a lot and trust implicitly told us that something was really wrong with Summit. He said that Summit was severely behind and had some sort of syndrome and would need to go to Little Rock to be tested in genetics. He also said we needed to get a MRI of his brain to see what was wrong and get into a eye surgeon immediately before there was any permanent damage to his eyes.
Due to unforeseen complications, all of that got pushed aside as we had the heart scare in late spring, the idea we may have to have surgery on it, then waiting all in between for the specialists to have openings took up most the summer. Then his eye surgery. Then my surgery. All along dealing with Ben in chronic pain and unhelpful doctors who scratched their heads and prescribed heavy doses of pain killers.
Then my doctor saying last week we can’t wait any longer, not even a month. We have to do this NOW. All along, I’ve been frightened, scared of all these complications. I even questioned God’s sovereignty in all of this. How could an all-loving God allow this?- ect. ect. the BIG questions came up months ago and I pondered hard thoughts as I though my heart would break from all the pain I had stored up. But then… one day as I was blog surfing on a friends website I stumbled across a name and it brought up vague memories of an amazing couple who had a terminally ill son. I clicked on the link to their website and read… and read… and read… and sobbed all my pains and worries out. I went back and read from the beginning and by the end of it hours later, I was emotionally spent- but at peace for the first time in months. No matter how bad I had it with Summit, my child would live. No matter how handicapped he was, he breathed in and out every night in his crib. I felt so selfish for my anger at God. and full of love for such a God that would allow me to have such a beautiful, perfect son who would live his life. My life is still uncertain sometimes, but I’m not afraid anymore. I am strong enough in Him to go through anything and I’m glaringly aware now of how little Summit’s problems are, how much less they are than thought to have been 9 months ago! God continues to answer prayers and I’m daily reminded of the miracle I have in my son because of this family. I was able to meet Ginny around a month ago, I felt like I was meeting a celebrity or… a saint… someone who I hold in high regard that I wanted to say I’M NOT WORTHY! Like a bumbling stalker or awestruck fan I blurted out how much her blog had meant to me, but I was unable to say all that it was to me. She was a little frightened of me as it was!!! but how amazing to have met her and seen the face that has been through so much and have a humble reminder of how much that I have been given in my child.