I’ve known for awhile that I have let shame be too big of a part of my life. Most of it is unaware, deep rooted in my subconscious that softly dictates what I think of myself and the filter in which I see life… and then there is the obvious stuff. Like roaches in my home. I’ll get back to that in a minute.
Most of my series “To Love Myself” has been a deeper, introspective look into my life and the bad things that I allow to get in my way of truly accepting and caring for myself well. This last year was about personal growth, overcoming obstacles and learning what it means to really love myself in a healthy way without excuses. Today, however, is about accepting the truth that I am a good housekeeper… despite the fact I have roaches. Living in my kitchen and inside my oven… ohhhh yes, *inside* the display of my oven.
Saying this makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed…. other insect problems aren’t a personal reflection of your cleanliness and housekeeping abilities. Even a mouse story is kind of cute! Spiders are scary (we had a brown recluse infestation our first spring here… like BAD infestation), moths are annoying and lightning bugs are kind of cute. Yes, I actually did have a lightening bug infestation over the summer. Bugs like us. Clearly.
But roaches are filthy, crunchy, dirty little creatures who make my skin crawl and my insides itch and shudder. How did they get there? From where do they come? How are they getting inside of the oven display? and most importantly, HOW DO I KILL THEM?? I’ve rarely, if ever, seen them on the outside of my oven but every time I use the oven itself I start to see little shadows appearing around the digital display… blocking numbers and making me want to vomit. I attacked the edges of my oven with bleach, wanted to rip it out of the wall and throw in outside into the cold, get a flame thrower and burn anything where the oven once was until NO LIVING THING COULD POSSIBLY LIVE ANYWHERE NEAR THERE… then I would calmly INSECT BOMB THE INSIDE OF MY OVEN UNTIL ANY TRACES OF LIFE WERE GONE AND THEN, only then, would I return the oven back to it’s place. But I can’t.
The fact is that I can’t keep my house as clean as I would like. Sometimes I feel guilty that there are crumbs on the floor and dishes in the sink. I think, “If I were a better housekeeper/wife/mom that my house would be clean, organized and most importantly, roach free.” and… if I really tried, yeah, it might probably be completely the way I imagined because I’m strong willed. But at what expense? Not to say that a hugely messy, food strewn house is in any way acceptable BUT…
Firstly- Even people with really clean houses get roaches. Plain and simple.
Secondly- Do I really want to spend all of time trying to keep my house clean? NO. I want to hug on my boys, play games, cook without stress, blog and basically have a life. More importantly however, I want to understand that a messy house, roaches or whatever it is that makes me feel shameful in any way is not good, helpful or from God.
and that’s it.