if you were anything like me when you were a kid, you always seemed unappreciative around Christmas time or your birthday.I’d open, like my dream gift, and just look at in in awe. I’d be reminded to say “thank you” like I was ungrateful for my gift or something, but spoken words were never my forte. My sister would be screaming her thanks and freaking out in ecstasy and I’d be trying to mimic her awkwardly to make everyone feel good and to appear to be thankful.
as an adult, an expressive one at that, I’ve learned to make the “proper” faces to make people feel good when I receive a gift. It’s no biggie, I don’t feel like I’m being fake, because I’m just trying to put on my face what is in my heart.
all that to say, I failed miserably again today when I got the best gift, probably of my life. This is the second “biggie” that I have received in the last couple of months, the other being when my wonderful Orthodontist told me he wanted to be a blessing to me and to give me FREE care. I’ll clarify that these have been monetary, but not directly given, as you will see soon. If I didn’t clarify you’d think I was horrible not to have Summit as the number one gift. Which he is. Those of you who know me personally (or just read my blog I guess, which is kind of creepy in a way) know that I have been needing surgery for a couple of years but with getting pregnant, nursing, Summit’s health issues, financial stress, everything for me has been put on the back burner so to speak. I finally decided to be wise and take care of this before it got even worse than it is.
I had asked him for a discount before I got pregnant when I first realized that I’d have to have my jaw surgery again because I was the only patient ever to have this problem according to him. He flat out refused me and said that surgeons can’t guarantee their work, etc. etc. He gave me a lot of examples and that he’d be happy to do the surgery again for me. I mean, that was logical, I couldn’t fault him really. His financial person said he’d give me the “discount” of 25% off if I paid cash up front. $7000.
today I was nauseous and jittery thinking of going to see him again. I was planning on asking him to do the surgery for what the insurance would pay him. Why not ask big? If I’m so broke I can’t afford anything, especially with Summit’s surgery and cardiologist bills coming up next month, why not ask? Well, I’ll tell you why NOT. I’m a classic first born who doesn’t want to ask anyone for anything. I can do it on my own! says the bratty 2-year-old in me. Well, obviously I CAN’T. My pride is gone. I’m desperate. I’m identifying with the Psalms of David crying to God. I physically hurt from all the stress of not giving my problems to God. A good friend called me today and told me to find a verse and cling to it every time I felt scared today. I was asking the impossible, asking God to put words in my mouth, asking for Pharaoh’s, errr, I mean my surgeon’s heart to be softened… and guess what?
he agreed.
to do not one, but both of my surgeries… for the insurance payment. I just stared. Like a child again, unable to react. I think he knew I was overwhelmed, tears began to flood my eyes and I couldn’t stop staring at him in utter disbelief. It was surprisingly not awkward though. I don’t even know how to thank God either. My Psalms of desperation have turned to Psalms of jubilee, I want to dance in the street and proclaim to the whole wold what he has done for me! Unworthy, small me.
words are so inadequate. I started hearing a song in my head and found the lyrics to them. This pretty much describes how I feel right now. Click Here