I said Happy 4th at the end of my Dugger post like I was not going to post again before the 4th, but really it was because I couldn’t think of a way to end it. So. Now I’m awkwardly trying to transition again… man.
I am the type of person whose dress gets caught in her undies and who walks around with a bare behind exposed to the world. (that is why I now wear covering undies and never thongs with dresses.)
I think that is part of why I blog. No, not to show my butt to the word proverbially speaking by what I say here, but to better understand the curve balls that life throws at me. I work through things while writing.
Thursdays are my day off when my mom watches Summit to give me a break. I was excited about my break and decided to dress up for the occasion. I put on a black and white floral-y dress, you know, a basic cotton, cutsie summer dress, with my red toms and a black headband with a small flower. I felt pretty in a simple way, nothing crazy beautiful but as I installed Sum’s car seat in my mom’s car and was buckling it in, real life found me once again. I found suddenly that my bottom was exposed to the road behind me as I clipped it in, I was sweating off my carefully applied, but minimal makeup and when I stood back up my dress had been pulled down below my tank-bra. Then I spilled my drink all over myself in the car. This is my life. It’s not pretty.
I was running late, and as I was pulling out my mom sort of looked at me in that way and asked me, “Heidi, you live for this drama.” and I looked back at her responding calmly, “No, I HATE it.” But really, my actions indicate otherwise in my day to day life. I am always running late, dropping things, staining things, whatever. I am like THAT person who is always in the ER from “accidentally” hurting themselves so they can get attention or drugs, except I don’t do any of that, I’m more of making a grand entrance, bursting in wherever I go with my smiling child who looks almost a year younger than he is and dropping sippy cups. I don’t like being this person. I want to be my old self; calm, cool and collected with a clean outfit and nice hair. Life is messy. I’m too hard on myself. I’m at war within myself. I am rethinking and reevaluating AND I’m on a diet/workout kick at the same time where I’ve worked out for the last week hard core and GAINED a pound! Of muscle, my dear friends tell me, but grrrrrrrr.
So, my point is that I have no point. Sometimes life is without a point, not pointless necessarily, but not everything can be tied together and packaged prettily with a big red bow atop. The mind wanders, the heart hurts and words just can’t express it. This isn’t a bad thing, this is a evolving thing. Don’t pity me, I’m OK, but sometimes growing pains just suck.