I told a lady at the medical walk in clinic it felt like a Monday. Today has been one of those days I’d like to forget. I’ve lost my temper more than I can remember in general but especially with the 3 year old, I feel like crap and I just want to be LEFT ALONE. I yelled at Ben when he followed me into our room with the 8 month old. I just wanted 10 minutes of “ME” TIME!
There is this giant grieving hole in me, I feel like I don’t have the time to write and when I do, in those rare snippets where my brain is overloaded with thoughts needing an outlet- I can’t do it. It’s like needing to sneeze really, really badly but it never coming. I feel itchy on the inside, the crawling sensation that I need OUT.
Most of the time I don’t feel this way (I’m saying that for all the people about to call and prescribe some kind of anti-depressant), I’m fine but there reaches a boiling point after days, weeks or months of blocked goals.
Sum, my 3 year old, had a minor surgery at our state’s Children’s hospital the other day. I think my mind is still processing and dealing with that. Nothing in this life has to be harder than seeing your precious child being wheeled away in a small, child sized hospital bed toward a surgical room. There is a raw, gaping panic even as you are smiling encouragingly at them so the last thing they see of you is reassurance. I’m becoming a good liar. Because he has a rare genetic disorder they wouldn’t touch him around here, he had to be at a place with specialized care and a pediatric cardiology team ready… in case. Seeing him being pushed away from me I felt angry that I even had to be there. I KNOW life isn’t fair, I hold a freaking bachelor’s degree in it. I’ve dealt with it, I understand that my life will never be normal again but God, I want it to be.
I knew he’d be all right in my heart, but knowing that he could die, even the remotest of chances, seemed like such a risk, it couldn’t be worth it! I watched his name change color to “in surgery” on the giant color coded digital patient list like I was watching airplane arrivals/departures, with such clinical interest. I couldn’t let go.
I find that I say “all right” a lot these days. I’m not sure who I’m trying to convince, I’m guessing myself. Sum finds it funny and repeats it after me, usually I didn’t know I had even said it until his smiling face repeats it. I’m so thankful for everything in my life, I do have it good, but there are some major puncture holes in it as well. That odd feeling of never belonging that I’ve had like a shadow my whole life is rearing it’s ugly head, convincing me I’m just not like others. Having a special needs child like Sum just affirms that.
His sound machine is set on the jungle- I don’t know how he sleeps to it. It makes me laugh just to hear it. Laughing and crying. I hate this- these hormones. Man, it’s difficult being a woman.