This is a snippet of life- a diary if you will- from the last three days. It *literally* has taken me 3 days to write this… 
Monday
The mommy insanity is rising. I’m at the stage with Bear and Bug that I feel reactive to everything they do- they are into everything and constantly screeching about something. On top of that Bug is at this “I’m indestructible” stage where he’ll walk off a flight of stairs or a cliff or ANYTHING with height! At the end of a day I feel beat up and weary. My brain is still running at full speed but I can’t hardly focus or think through anything. I feel busy but lazy at the same time. I’m sitting here watching a stupid TV drama because in the stupidity my brain is distracted and relaxed enough to sit here and type.
Some days I want to home school Bear because I honestly think it’s a great idea for him. Then, after today’s FAIL as I took him to school to drop him off and the school wasn’t open because school starts Wednesday I realized how much I was looking forward to him being gone. Which only makes me feel guilty because I *shouldn’t* want a break if I was a good mom. OK OK, I know that isn’t true but it certainly feels that way some times!
Tuesday
I know in my head that it’s normal but I still hate feeling this way. Like tonight, I took the boys to the Grape Festival to let them get out and have a good time. Basically, it ended up with me dragging Bear around as he screamed and threw fits, “I RIDE THAT NOW!” (pointing at EVERY ride we walked past) or “OFF OFF OFF!” (while he was ON the rides I begrudgingly let him on) while Bug was strapped to his stroller, pascified by me frantically throwing him chex and cotton candy. I feel like I should have just flushed money down the toliet. Or got myself something. Actually that would have been a great idea. I should have just gone to Target and bought myself a new dress or necklace.
It seems like most of my plans fail these days. I am a stressed out, caffeine fueled, sweaty, stinky mess. Nothing seems to work out how I envisioned. I’m not sure if I set too high of standards subconsciously or not, but by the end of the day (you know, 4pm) I want to go to sleep, but then I get a second wind of BEING ALONE after they go to sleep and stay up too late doing things that make me feel alive but at the sacrifice of sleeping so then I start the day tomorrow the same way as today…. ahhhhhh! I’m exhausted! I finally just stumbled over the giant power cords, at the festival pushing a stroller and dragging a toddler to the exit. The power in the festival flickered on and off so it was distractingly amusing to watch stranded people being pushed back by the carnies (is that PC?!) to the exit area to unload. Ha ha!
Even now I feel edgy, like I have a lot to do and I should figure it out but no matter how much I do that nagging feeling never departs.
Wednesday
Today I got Bear to school (today being the actual day that he started school…) and this morning when I woke up (30 minutes late because Ben forgot to set the alarm but I’m, of course, not pointing any fingers…) and I realized that I was out of bread for sandwiches and almond milk that I’m suppose to take to take to his school. Seriously. What was I thinking? OH YEAH, I wasn’t. This mom thing is really getting to me. I feel my imperfections really sharply lately, all the things that I don’t do right, all the things that I could do better and all the things I want to do but I can’t because of the kids or my own fears and insecurities.
It’s raining today and the weather feels wonderful. I took my time unbuckling Bug from his car seat and enjoyed the cool sprinkles on the back of my neck. Some times it takes nature to draw me back into myself. Like I’m an inflated balloon version of myself and a cool breeze or rain drops deflate me back into myself. I wish the sun did that, with all the sun and 100+ weather I’d almost be the old, pre-kids version of myself that I miss!
That’s it. Bug is pulling on my leg and screeching for his nightly oats. I’m going nuts. BAH!