I started writing a blog in my head last night, I felt hopeless and frustrated with everything and everyone. I wished somehow that I may impart some great wisdom about going through trials. Perhaps that is just pride on my part. I want people to look at me and think “wow, she’s got it together!”, even though I totally don’t. I was praying, hoping for a clean answer or just that he’d take away the pain and fear that was balled up in my chest. I’d love it if I was learning some great lesson while I’m going through this. Maybe I am somehow and I’ll have to be on the other side of things to look back and say “oh, well then, that is when I learned such a great life lesson!” I guess I won’t be much of an inspiration during though! I actually started singing “It is well with my soul” to inspire myself because the author had lost his whole family and was still able to praise God. It made me feel better briefly. Some people have it so much worse than me, I constantly would tell myself, you should be thankful. and I am, to a point, then I plunge back into sadness and then feel guilty for not staying thankful but being full of self-pity. I can’t seem to allow myself to go.
So far the best thing anyone has said was “this too shall pass”, and this coming from someone going through one of the hardest times in her life as well. I’m tired of people saying it’ll be all right, because it won’t be. It never will be. It’s like a death of some sort, gradually the pain will become less and less as life moves on and I deal with this. a sort of death, I guess, with new pain from this like an old wound re-opening as I hit new hurdles in his life.
this morning as I was driving Summit to therapy, fighting back tears, I was praying the kind of prayers where it’s good there is a God that hears them because I was making no sense. I started thinking of the stars in the night sky for some reason, all the sudden, how beautiful they are. We had watched the Louis Giglio video last week in cell group and I remembered some of the beautiful pictures that he showed. then (no surprise) the song Yellow started playing in my mind, “look at the stars, look how they shine for you”, and suddenly another thought interrupted my song. “I would have made the stars shine just for you, my beloved, even if you were the only one to see them.” I sat there for a moment, I think a lot of things, sometimes crazy things, but I’ve never thought the word “beloved”. I’ve always thought it was too cheesy. As I sat there pondering this thought, the clouds to my left opened up wide, revealing the sun. he loves me, I thought, even me, and would have died if I had been the only one living. he would have made creation just for me. little me. The skies closed and I was left with a warm, glowing feeling in my heart.