Pink is not a part of my life.
*****
5 years ago this month…
I dreamed of fluffy tutu’s, head swallowing bows and plastic jewels. I could see her sweet white blonde curls, large blue eyes, dressed up in princess costumes and tea parties with stuffed animals. I expected to be annoyed with little hands in my make- up drawer and feet tripping around the house in my heels. I saw a sassy little thing, hands on her hip.
I saw my life, like a little story book and I loved it. There was a yearning in my heart inexpressible and secret.
“What did we tell you last month?” asked the ultrasound technician, a halting hesitation in her voice.
I stared at what my untrained eye could clearly see should not be there. Even without the foreign words pounding and echoing in my occupied brain my heart stopped. Like a pop of a balloon everything burst and changed, I felt raw.
The file said “girl” with a question mark beside it from the last ultrasound… funny because they didn’t tell me about the question mark. I felt like I lost a baby, as though they told me the heart beat had stopped for my baby girl and suddenly there was an alien boy in her place.
I left the hospital, tears streaming down my face, thinking of the pink things I’d already purchased. The confusion and guilt I felt pounded through my body and I kept touching my belly apologizing for my disappointment. I was scared that I would somehow harm my new baby boy.
I wondered how people felt when they had a baby of the opposite sex from what they were told in the hospital! At least I had a few months warning here…
A kind friend took me shopping the next day and we picked out an outfit together… for a little boy. It was a weird and empty feeling that was both confusing and guilt fostering. I grieved, took a deep breath and moved on.
Today.
I now have two boys and wouldn’t change it for anything. They are crazy, draining and perfect. I love their energy, life and insanity. They are not still, quiet or able to be taken to a restaurant. I can’t imagine it any other way.
and I love it.
