Words More Than People

I haven’t written much in the last month or so but I am stepping back in to tell you why I haven’t been writing, through writing, (kind of a silly process… I’m super aware =-)).

It hasn’t been that I don’t have stories that could be shared it is simply that there is something new happening in my life and I have had to step back in order to understand it all.

The Lord has been taking me on this long journey over the last year of learning my need for people in a new way.

I have been learning that the action of  “letting” people into my life and heart really isn’t working for me as well as I would hope.  

I am learning a new concept of having people in my life.

I am learning that rather than “letting” I need to begin “inviting” people into my world and my heart. (I kind of have a mini panic attack in my mind and my heart when I say that statement.  I am trying to get over it but it is taking time.)

“Letting” people in gives the picture that people are having to push their way into a place.  It says that an outside person has to knock persistently on the door that is my life or heart.  Then, once I choose to open the door I then stand with the choice of whether to allow them into that place or keep them on the steps.  It is very controlled in who steps near my heart and some days even my thoughts.

“Inviting” others in is a life that instead of others working hard and making their way into my life I must be  the one extending the hand out and bringing them into my life and the depths of my heart.  Yep, that is as scary as it sounds.

Perhaps for some out there this isn’t a scary thing, it might actually bring about an element of thriving in someones life, in mine…

IT FREAKS ME OUT!

In inviting I am the one taking the risk.

Inviting others to come in means they  may not choose to stay, whereas, when others have to work to get in, there is an element that I know they want to be there.

I have realized over the past months that due to some hurt and heart break about 3 years ago I drastically began shutting new people out.

Anyone who had been around prior to a few years ago were still invited openly into these places, but anyone new who came in, I have kept very much so on the edge of that doorway.

In many ways writing on this blog is doing just that.

Writing is an avenue of  inviting people into a private part of my world and opening myself up to the judgement, criticism, disbelief, and many other things that might come from complete strangers.

 This avenue, however, is often distant and at times even cold.

At the end of the day when I invite people through writing,  I don’t have to have working relationships with any of those people.  It becomes easier to invite people who just come, hang out on the edge of life, hear a few stories, maybe like them or maybe not and then leave.

It is a completely different thing when you invite those people over to sit, have some tea, interact and then share what is truly happening in your world and your heart.

I am learning to invite others into my world and my heart, and as best as I can,  I will try and document this process through words here in order to help me possibly find some order in all that I am learning.

I have learned through this process that I often use sharing things in words to the outside world as a way to intentionally keep me from the need to invite.  

I made the statement recently in a conversation that I would rather write because it is a healing that doesn’t involve people, however, right now in my life, I have to have people to deal with some of my healing.

I need people to be part of my healing and life.  

I am seeing that no amount of writing words can take their place.

I am daily seeing my deep need for them to be a part of it all and for me to see their love each day in every movement of my life.