I wrote this a few days ago on my birthday, thinking through the last year and last few weeks. I thought I knew it all when I was in my early and mid twenties but when life got real, I realized how untested I was in my faith. “Life isn’t fair” is such an obvious statement in concept but when life event after life event seems to end with failure or pain it’s hard not to pout and feel sorry for yourself. I know I have! I’m embarrassed to admit it even, but it’s truth. I looked around me at the “normal” lives and wanted what I thought others had that was better than what I had. I wasn’t thankful. I wasn’t grateful.
Now, years later, I can say with all sincerity and truth that I am so incredibly thankful for all that I’ve gone through and wouldn’t change a thing. That doesn’t make life easier necessarily, but I don’t feel as fearful as I once did and that is true Freedom. Walking in true freedom allows you the creativity to dream. When you are dreaming and able to step out without fear of failure… that is living life to the fullest.
Life isn’t ever going to be perfect or able to be controlled, but I’m ready to live it.
Do you remember when you were a kid and someone said something mean or hurtful that you couldn’t come up with a witty comeback to so you hollered, “What do YOU know?” while blinking back tears?
Occasionally I’ll have the thought of what DO I know? For real- what do I know? In the face of the pain of the world.
The older I get the less I think I know and the more I know that I didn’t know what I thought I knew back when I thought I knew it all…
The heat is lingering into September, a muggy staleness that makes me crave a thunderstorm just to change it up. To shake the groggy earth awake. It’s too early to sleep, winter is not yet here! Yet everything around me seems to be in slumber. The leaves on the tree are just yellowing, slowly moving in the occasional breeze like a bored wind chime.
My mind is moving rapidly, adrenaline in my blood and I want to do something but I am still here, in this heat that makes you want to stay inside and watch life from a window.
Such is life. We can quiet discontent by soothing ourselves that we happy- safe even, but in reality we are dying a slow death from fear to do anything about it. We say things like we are choosing to be content and grateful AS WE SHOULD BE but occasionally we stretch out the words too far to justify living in apathy and fear.
We all were made to do that which makes us feel alive inside. The dream each of us has to use our gifts and abilities to change just a part of the world, doing things that only we can do. This is what I know that I KNOW.
Dreaming hurts. Stepping out into the unknown and being ok if you fall is a hard thing. But it’s WORTH it. Doing the right thing and moving on quickly when circumstances beyond your control slam you to the ground are what propel you ahead in life.
Failure is only that if you learn nothing, shamefully slamming the door before really looking at all what was there to learn about yourself and grow from it.
This I know.
and hours later, coming back to this post before bed, I hear the thunder and rain from an unexpected storm upon me.
…A real thunder storm, not a metaphoric, dreamed up storm. There is actual rain outside and I feel alive… There is something magical about the hot drops of a late summer storm.
I don’t know much these days, but I rest easy in that fact now.