I wrote this over a year ago and never posted it. It’s crazy to see how differently I feel and where I am today… I thought about re-working it and making it apply for me NOW but then realized that the raw power of it all would be gone. So often when I’ve been hurting, I’ve read inspirational posts on how someone had felt the way I was feeling, but from a perspective of hindsight; of health and happiness looking back … and then I still felt alone at the place that I was at. I think that it’s scary to be real, to share feelings in the moment because it seems weak or unspiritual. Maybe that is why I didn’t post this before. Regardless, you are not alone. Where ever you are now, there is hope and a mountain top nearby. To quote my favorite blog author, Lauren Dubinsky, “Everyone has a story, and everyone is meant to do something with it. Something much bigger and greater than writing books & blog posts: Living fully.” I hope that this post either reminds you how far you have come or gives you hope where you are. -Heidi
and then there’s being real vs. complaining.
Recently someone, who I need to say is full of love, grace and mercy, said that “no where in the bible does it say it’s ok to complain.” and went on to say that maybe we shouldn’t share negative things but always focus on the positive.
Which is great advice.
But maybe not reality, for some of us.
I think some personalities are better suited for the “always saying something positive” routine – which comes across as fake to the other ones of us, who express the struggles in life, perhaps with a little bit too much detail. I posted the following status on facebook the other day:
“I think sometimes people confuse being real with pessimism which is ironic since they are judging your perception of reality as being something not positive.”
What do you think? I’m not saying I’m wrong or right, just that this is a different way of looking at things. Just because I share that I’m having a really bad week doesn’t mean I’m depressed. Just because I share that Ben and I have struggles doesn’t mean that our marriage is on the rocks. Just because I ask for prayer for patience with my kids doesn’t mean I‘m beating them.
Don’t assume, don’t judge. I regret so many things I’ve shared with friends and even people in positions of authority in my church who I thought believed the best in me. I thought because they KNEW me that they GOT me. I was wrong.
I was seeking their affirmation and approval through explaining and sharing too much of myself; believing incorrectly, they had all the right answers and solutions.
I have really started liking myself, really loving myself for the first time and now I’m beginning to see the results:
1. The friends I have are REAL ones. I now fortunate to have people in my life who do believe the best in me. Always. ...and that is a treasure worth more than any amount of money.
2. A lot of people simply are really, really judgmental, perhaps subconsciously. I KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN and probably still am! Because of this, I’ve learned boundaries and what I don’t need to share with certain people because I was hurt by them. I am more cautious when I meet new people what I say.
I think people confuse being real with complaining and complaining with sinning. We have a huge amount of counselors and therapists that are helping people process things that are simple enough that a friend who CARED enough to listen and not judge could solve.
People stuff things down, deep until they are forgotten and rotting and the smell drives them to get help. I know I am.
Where are you now? Are you here- stuck with caring too much what people think of you? I didn’t realize how much my self-perception was based on other people’s opinions of me. How sad I was… and I think that perhaps I’ll constantly default to caring too much what others think until I take those thoughts captive and realize the truth that I don’t need, or even want, their approval. However, I almost didn’t share this post- for fear of what people would think of me, but then I realized that being real, transparent and honest about our struggles is how we get to a better place and hopefully help someone else along on the same journey. I’ve struggled my whole life with self-esteem, self-worth and believing all myself and for the first time, I believe and know TRUTH.
It can be found.
Email me if you want to chat more about this, TheBusyNothings@gmail.com or chat with me on Twitter, @TheBusyNothings.
I love to exercise. I love pushing myself beyond what I think I’m capable of. I really did want to regularly post on this topic as my journey to physical and mental health continues. I haven’t posted in a while because to be perfectly honest… I have nothing to brag about. I have no great new mile times, no new 5k’s to share about and I gained some weight over the holiday after sharing how it was my goal to NOT gain weight at that time.
But, I then I realized that I do have *something* to brag about- so here it is so I can get it out of the way and move on with my post:
This is me doing a TRX work out at my gym. I felt awesome, strong and powerful.
The rest of the weekend I barely moved because I was so sore.
and I have over analyzed this picture, picking out every part of my body I wish was smaller and trimmer.
I’m doing mediocre at best right now. I’m regularly working out, 3-4 times a week doing circuit training and running on my days off. That sounds pretty awesome and I’ve actually consistently been loosing weight for the last month.
However, there is still this streak of … ME deep inside. A weird rebellion and stubbornness that I feel at certain times. I want to be able to eat and drink whatever I want without any consequences but then push myself too hard when I work out as some sort of… pennance… for it.
It’s weird, I’m my biggest obstacle. Always. Below is a pic from less than a year ago, last spring. I had been regularly working out and felt good about myself. But at my core I still felt dissatisfied with my body. It wasn’t good enough. I need to lose more weight, tone up more…. and right now I look at this picture of myself 8lbs thinner and wish I looked like this. It’s kind of sick actually because I know when I reach this point I’ll still not be satisfied.
Can I ever be satisfied? As I type, Mumford & Son’s “Hopeless Wonderer” is playing and I’m being all teenage angsty raising my hand up and nodding in agreement. I can still laugh at myself even in my frustration. Because, I’ve got to learn to love myself for ME. Regardless of what size jeans I’m putting on. I know this externally. I know it in an educated, professional type way as I tell myself I believe it- only to have it deflected by my subconscious.
I thought once I worked though something in a healthy way that I’d never struggle with it again. WRONG. It will just reappear in a more subtle way and infest me until I’m sick again and in need scraping away the sticky mess that I’m stuck back in.
I’m not fixed, I haven’t solved this puzzle, I’m simply sharing where I’m at today. I think that often I try to fix everything before I write a blog post about it but sometimes sharing the beauty of a journey is more powerful than all the best answers in the world.