Real LIFE Stories: Double Income No Kids {Fostering}
I admit I’m a bit partial for Katy, my little sister. It’s been a priveledge to get to grow up with someone this passionate, beautiful inside and out and also living out her beliefs in a real and challenging way. Part of our month dedicated to children is about a call to action in a warm and gentle way. This is her story, be inspired and uplifted. ~Heidi
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I’ve written about David & I’s journey to marriage- the exciting moments of the first glance, first kiss, and now celebrating our first 5 years of marriage together. Now it’s on to the next stage of the journey… {{Dramatic Pause}}….KIDS!!
We were labeled “Double Income No Kids” when we first moved to Colorado and began looking at community groups at our church. We were told to look in the “D.I.N.K.S” category- ie- married, working couples but with no children. We laughed. 
Any young couple will tell you every time they go to a family reunion the first question people ask you is, “when are you going to have little ones?” A sweet question but to be honest, it always left me with a feeling of failure, or pressure to produce something I wasn’t ready for. Inside I always wished people would ask me, “how is your career going” or “what are you passionate about?” I say this because I have been in social work for 5 years now and I absolutely love my career. It’s hard even calling it a career because I consider it more a ministry and calling. I started my career meeting with low income mothers teaching them infant safety & early childhood education. I spent my days teaching young moms how to bond with their babies, work through post partum depression & care for their infant. This exposed me to an environment I had no clue existed. We went into lice infected homes, where babies were sleeping in drawers & boxes on the floor. I worked with incarcerated pregnant mothers who had severe drug addictions. Encouraging them to have a healthy pregnancy despite the fact they knew the child would be removed from them at birth. While this exposure opened my eyes and made me cry so many nights it also gave me compassion and empathy for young, struggling mothers.
I then worked as a medical caregiver, working directly with foster children who had medical/developmental challenges due to abuse or neglect. The most difficult part of my job was working with the babies who were withdrawing from methadone. Holding a baby withdrawing from a drug, with the constant crying, tremors and and inability to self comfort was the most heartbreaking work I’ve ever done. This began my love and admiration for foster parents who I saw put aside their own emotions each day in order to care for a child. They bear the burden of grief of these foster children, playing the role of healer, while also balancing the needs of the biological parents. Mentoring and guiding them, assisting them with continuing the relationship with their child while he was in foster care. I got to see foster parenting up close and saw them bravely working towards reunification with the child’s parents, who had given them their injuries in the first place. I saw a love beyond all love- Christ’s love- for those who needed it.
For isn’t it Jesus who said, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor–sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.” (Mark 2:17)
After working as a medical caregiver I then began a new job recruiting and training foster parents. My experience with foster children gave me a drive and determination to find them a home & rid the world of group homes and shelters- basically modern day orphanages. After gaining the knowledge that I have, both David and I decided that we needed to take action, and pray about becoming foster/adoptive parents. Just read the statistics:
* According to the latest reports, there are about 408,000 children and youth currently in foster care in the United States. (For more info on foster care visit National Foster Care Month)
* Each year more than 20,000 children age out of the foster care system without being adopted. Today there are 104,000 children in foster care waiting to be adopted ranging in age from less than a year old to 21. (For more statistics on Adoption from Foster Care Visit AdoptUSKids)
Those numbers alone are reason to do something. In February we completed our Foster Parent Training. We are starting our interviewing and home study process. This journey we have traveled to this point has not been without doubts, uncertainty, tons of WHAT ARE WE DOING moments but still…I have to do something. Now we may have our own children someday, I don’t deny the draw of pregnancy, the idea of producing a little chubby mini me but I can’t seem to shake this feeling that if I ignore these statistics and pretend that it is not a global epidemic then I am lost.
Now I just want to share I do not fault anyone for having their own child, please don’t take this as a finger pointing at your life choices. David and I have chosen not to have children at this time. We’ve never tried for pregnancy and honestly, don’t feel a desire to do so. When I describe this feeling of not wanting my own children I get a lot of strange looks and defensive statements. I just think you should have children when you want to have children- we don’t yet. I know that if I were to find out I was pregnant tomorrow I would be happy. I would rejoice! I have to admit, I think this has done wonders for my marriage. David and I have had these precious five years together to grow as a couple. We are so in sync with one other, I truly find this time is sweet!
Again, this is our decision and it is based on our desire to have this time to pour into our ministry. I think one of the difficulties for me now is that I am currently working directly with teens in foster care, parole and probation assisting them through the transition to adulthood. I have about 20 kids on my caseload currently and I feel like they are my children! I spend all my waking hours walking alongside these youth and supporting them whether it’s transitioning out of foster care on their own, or keeping them accountable to their parole guidelines or how to successfully graduate probation. I feel grateful that I can give them my focus and attention. I pray for each of them daily and I am happy that God has placed them in my life to care for. This energy spent on my kids helps I think take away the feeling of needing my own child. So perhaps that is where my love & energy is poured into. For whatever reason, I am completely and utterly content. With my marriage, my career, my life. I think it is when we live life with an open hand and say to God, “do what you will” is when we find a peace. I admit- I am fearful of taking a foster child in my home, I am scared of the unknown, that I will love them so fiercely my heart will break when they leave- but my desire to serve, nurture and protect these children outweighs my own fears. I ask you to please keep David and I in your thoughts and prayers as we start this journey towards foster parenting.
This quote from Mother Teresa always helps guide me and put life into perspective,
“If you can’t feed a hundred, then just feed one.”
Real Love Series: Gracie’s Story, Part 4
If you haven’t read the Introduction to this series, I highly recommend that you do, as well as Part 1, Part 2 & Part 3. We are sharing Real Love stories. Stories that have hurt, pain but maturity and ultimately, joy. In a culture that is so fast paced, self-focused and all about the falling in love part of our story with no concept of afterwards, we here at the Busy Nothings are striving to sit back and share from our own experiences what we feel true, pure, sacrificial love is. When you choose it even though it hurts or is hard work. The beauty and true love that comes from this is better than any fairy tale. ~Heidi
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As we enter week four of my story telling journey with you, I wanted to take just a moment to thank you. Those of you reading these posts have been so encouraging to me as a writer, as a wife, as a woman. This, being my first experience with writing, has brought me so much joy and I simply cannot thank you enough for sticking with me through this month. I hope to continue sharing my story with you, and you should know how deeply you have blessed me by taking part in my journey. So many thanks to you, reader. I imagine the men and women reading this as strong, brave, humble people. I am sure you are a fearsome thing to behold.
So much love,
G.
“We have your lab results. I’m sorry to inform you that your test came back positive.”
Can you recall a time when one sentence changed everything? A moment in which your world seems to halt, and the only thing that matters is what another person has just spoken? You know there is truth in the words, and yet your mind refutes them. Your body goes numb as a prickling sensation runs from the nape of your neck to your ears and back again. Your feet forget themselves, leaving you rooted to the ground on which you stand. This phone call, this sentence, this is the reason I stand like a stone as people continue their lives around me. I mutter a quick ‘I understand’ exchange meaningless thanks and hang up.
This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening. This is happening.
Two years have brought me perspective and hope and change. But on that frigid February in 2010, I had none. I had only a cold reality which, in that moment, threatened my family, my life, my future.
My doctor was telling me I would never be able to have children.
My then fiancé’s dream was only to be a doting father. God had spent over three years planting a desire to even have children in my heart; a battle that was hard fought but eventually won in me. By that time I was not only prepared for the idea of kids, I was outright ecstatic at the thought of raising sons and daughters with my Jacob. We were to be married in just a few short months, and wanted kids soon after.
Then, with that phone call, everything changed.
So I took a deep breath, shored up my mind for a new life, and called Jacob to let him off the hook. I couldn’t give him what he so desperately wanted and I decided to give him the chance to start over, to find someone who could. He immediately threw away my logic. He lovingly reminded me of his decision to love me, not what I could or couldn’t give him. In the depths of my heart I knew he would feel this way, but I cannot describe to you the relief I felt in that moment.
And so we married. The wedding was full of life, peace, and joy. We worked hard on our marriage and strived to be the best to each other. But everyday I had to push away the ache that came to reside in me the day I received that call. To think about never being able to be a mother nearly crushed me, so I ignored it. I thought that our lives wouldn’t be complete without kids. I began to think our marriage might not succeed without them.
What I didn’t understand was we were already a complete family,
After I confessed my feelings to Jacob, he reminded me of something: we stood before God as a complete household whether or not we ever had children. He reminded me of the biblical picture of family: people united in covenant that love, serve, and protect one another. To be a family is to commit to give the fullness of your heart, time, attention, and resources to point the other to Christ that he may refine them and make them holy. As Jacob reassured me and recalled our commitment to one another, the ache in my heart began to ease. I realized how blessed I was to have this man, to be a part of this family, and that my ability to have children did not identify me as a woman or a wife of a follower of Christ. What did was my choice to honor the Lord above all things, and trust in Him, remaining open-handed to what Jesus would bring to or take from us.
Since that time, we have been blessed to work with a (HIGHLY recommended) doctor who has taken an innovative and holistic approach to our situation. Through her guidance and the providence of the Lord, we are confident in our ability to one day be the proud parents of biological children. Until that time, we remain blessed in our family. We have six beautiful nieces and nephews from six amazing brothers-and-sisters-in-law (because
I am a sap, I’ve included pictures of some of kiddos and their parents. They’re too darn CUTE). We have healthy parents and grandparents whom we love. There is too much life and love in our world. As much as Jacob and I will celebrate and cherish whatever additions to our family may come along, I choose to live and love deeply everyday.
Because I am no longer waiting for a family.
I have one now.
