Rookie
“So, are you in college?” asked the young salesman at Rush Running. I smiled politely and just said no. Launching into the fact I’m over ten years out from that phase of my life, married and with 2 kids just seemed unnecessary but I appreciated the accidental compliment. Or was it?! I bought the new running shoes! HAH!
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I decided to start running again. Back when I was in high school (I know, bear with me rehashing my ‘glory years’) I ran cross country and track. I loved it sometimes, the forgetfulness while running and the endorphins afterwords were awesome but I HATED the competition! I was not the best runner on the team… in fact I’ll venture to say I took turns being the WORST runner… the worst runner on a team that had won state the previous 10 years. The competition on the team was pretty fierce and I withered and never wanted to run again. I had forgot the joy.
While I did run on the team, we always told anyone who would listen that running (as a sport) had more injuries than any other sport. People would scoff at us but we had data on our sides. spouting how these rookie runners would decide one day that they wanted to be runners and then go out and try to run 3 miles and injure themselves in the process. Oh the stupidity of these people! chuckle chuckle.
Yesterday guess what I did? umm yeah, on my week 1, day 1 of Couch to 5k I decide to run around a near by lake. All 7 miles of it. REALLY? My 16-year-old self is mocking my 31-year-old self. Today, thankfully without any serious injuries, I am trying to stretch out all my angry muscles that want to bunch together. I can barely walk. I must have thought my new shoes had jet propellers on them or something! It was still exhilarating though… while I ran (then stopped to catch my breath…) I felt this surge of joy! I am remembering the fun, the forgetfulness and the great feeling afterwords.
After limping to my car I decided to stretch. I remembered how stretching is just as important as the work out itself- all my training is coming back to me! Hah! Although it was in the upper 30′s outside I was hot from my work out and sitting in the sun it was nice so I took off my jacket and was in my work-out tank. A few minutes into my stretching I noticed a man jump out of his car and with a super nice professional camera he started taking picture after picture of me!
Girls… I’m not skinny. I’ve had 2 c-sections and although I have lost some weight my stomach and arms aren’t very toned… “ummm hi there…” I said awkwardly smiling at the strange intruder, feeling like a celebrity being stalked by paparazzi. He smiled back and told me he was a photographer for the Arkansas Democrat Gazette, his press tags were dangling around his neck, and he “was tired of taking pictures of people hanging their Christmas lights”. He then acknowledged he was a little creepy… yeah.. just a little bit.
“Do you run here every day?” he asked, notebook in hand.
I laughed inwardly… No, this is my first time in 15 years I thought but answered simply “No.”
I saw him write down some information about me and…
and guess what? I’m challenged to live up to that caption. What a great FIRST DAY to start up running again.
To Love Myself: Eating Disorders
For awhile now I’m been dreaming of starting my fashionista series about how to look as trendy and cute as possible while you are just BROKE. I kept running into delay after delay and I finally realized that I needed to take a step back and try to get a look at what ELSE was going on. I’m being led to do something really uncomfortable again- I’ve known it for awhile but didn’t really feel like going there.
It’s a fun thing to talk about fashion, style and good bargains, I’m still planning on launching that series in the next month but first I have to talk about what is on the inside… which, yeah, is much less comfortable. Insecurities and loving myself… even right now when I barely can look at myself in the mirror.
I was working out regularly and loving it last year. The class was done through a local church and was amazing and affordable. They didn’t bring it back this fall and so most of the summer and the last 2 months especially I haven’t worked out. I am not a “hey, I’m going to go for a run” kind of girl. I need the loud music, air condition and the inner GRRR in me that gets all competitive with the other girls in a class.
It’s been a rough nine weeks- I haven’t had the extra energy to even TRY to work out but I still hate myself… I hate admitting this too. I’ve realized how insecure that I am during this time. I’ve realized how I ignore all the good and obsess over negativity. I have received compliments lately but always laugh them off thinking people are just saying things to be nice. AND they are, but I have this insane notion they are LYING TO ME.
I never realized that until now. That I seriously thought people were lying… like to make me feel good about myself or something and that is totally egotistical. If I give a compliment I mean it. I should extend to others the same courtesy.
Because how could anyone really say I looked pretty? Can’t they see how fat I am? My untoned arms? My stretch marks? Cellulite? and the truth is that I don’t love myself. I love others, not matter what size, shape or color but I hold unrealistic standards for myself.
Part of this is a long, life time coping with rejection from peers starting at an early age, something deeper that I’ll talk about in a later post on this topic and how I deal with having a child with special needs. The other part is that most of my friends have some kind of eating disorder but won’t admit it or don’t know they have it.
I see my friends not eating, letting their kids eat their whole plate of food and not eat any themselves, skipping meals, excessively working out, binge eating then joking about going on a fast when they actually will be, become vegetarian/vegans so no one will tell them what to do regarding food, going on a vegetarian/vegan fast for a short while or pregnant friends who don’t eat enough so they won’t gain any weight. All of these are food issues- some are worse than others but it shows an unhealthy relationship with food.
I think it’s hard to admit I have food issues because I’m not SUPER skinny or SUPER overweight. I’m just average so it must seem I”m “normal” when I’m really not. Some days are better than others, some weeks are better than others but lately it’s been getting bad again. I think part of that has to do with the fact Ben is out of work and part is just me adjusting to working from home and still trying to efficiently manage the home. We’ve eaten out more, but not too unhealthily because when you are gluten-free your options are limited.
I’ve been eating less and less and drinking more coffee, pop and alcohol. Coffee masks hunger, pop gives me a sugar fix and a glass of alcohol helps me unwind at night. I don’t excessively drink any of them but every day I want all three. I don’t have alcohol every day just to avoid it as a habit but I still want it every day. Also, I’ve been doing this calorie counting thing where I’ll see I drank 150 calories in a pop then just not eat much food at all for lunch to even it out.
If I’m totally honest with myself: the more I control what I eat the more in control I feel about my life and successful as a person. On the flip side- I feel like a complete failure as a person when I binge eat.
Which is a pretty classic eating disorder.
I think more than anything else here I want to bring awareness that you don’t have to be 90 lbs or 350lbs to have a eating problem. You can be medium sized and completely obsessed with food, numbers on a scale and the way your fat feels when you pinch it to shame yourself for eating. It isn’t easy to talk about it, but it’s like an accountability of sorts and it gets the poison out of me. I’m thankful for others who have shared their stories with me, I know I’m not alone in my struggle.
If this is something you struggle a little with or a lot, tell someone you can trust that will keep you accountable or seek counseling. A friend isn’t the best option because eating disorders are very contagious. For me, my first step is admitting this. I’m not cured, but being aware helps me not make as poor of decisions. Feel free to e-mail me or leave comments. This is a hard thing for me to talk about still and I’ve had a lot of questions on whether or not to post, but I feel like if I even help one person not feel so alone than it’s worth it.
