I love to exercise. I love pushing myself beyond what I think I’m capable of. I really did want to regularly post on this topic as my journey to physical and mental health continues. I haven’t posted in a while because to be perfectly honest… I have nothing to brag about. I have no great new mile times, no new 5k’s to share about and I gained some weight over the holiday after sharing how it was my goal to NOT gain weight at that time.

But,  I then I realized that I do have *something* to brag about- so here it is so I can get it out of the way and move on with my post:

This is me doing a TRX work out at my gym. I felt awesome, strong and powerful.

The rest of the weekend I barely moved because I was so sore.

and I have over analyzed this picture, picking out every part of my body I wish was smaller and trimmer.

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I’m doing mediocre at best right now. I’m regularly working out, 3-4 times a week doing circuit training and running on my days off. That sounds pretty awesome and I’ve actually consistently been loosing weight for the last month.

However,  there is still this streak of … ME deep inside. A weird rebellion and stubbornness that I feel at certain times. I want to be able to eat and drink whatever I want without any consequences but then push myself too hard when I work out as some sort of… pennance… for it.

It’s weird, I’m my biggest obstacle. Always.  Below is a pic from less than a year ago, last spring. I had been regularly working out and felt good about myself. But at my core I still felt dissatisfied with my body. It wasn’t good enough. I need to lose more weight, tone up more…. and right now I look at this picture of myself 8lbs thinner and wish I looked like this. It’s kind of sick actually because I know when I reach this point I’ll still not be satisfied.

 Can I ever be satisfied? As I type, Mumford & Son’s “Hopeless Wonderer” is playing and I’m being all teenage angsty raising my hand up and nodding in agreement.  I can still laugh at myself even in my frustration. Because, I’ve got to learn to love myself for ME. Regardless of what size jeans I’m putting on. I know this externally. I know it in an educated, professional type way as I tell myself I believe it- only to have it deflected by my subconscious. 

I thought once I worked though something in a healthy way that I’d never struggle with it again. WRONG. It will just reappear in a more subtle way and infest me until I’m sick again and in need scraping away the sticky mess that I’m stuck back in.

I’m not fixed, I haven’t solved this puzzle, I’m simply sharing where I’m at today. I think that often I try to fix everything before I write a blog post about it but sometimes sharing the beauty of a journey is more powerful than all the best answers in the world.