Today I’m washing my mattress cover, sheets and coverlet. No, surprisingly no one peed in my bed.  Bear decided to empty a trial sized bottle of mouth wash on my bed and although it did smell minty fresh, it left a big, wet looking spot even after it dried.  I can’t make this stuff up. Having kids and babies changes your brain and your body; things that once were super annoying are just part of life now and for the most part, you really don’t mind.

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Yesterday, because I had lunch plans,  I fixed my hair, put on make-up and instead of a tee shirt I put a striped tank top with a sweater. It was a light-weight knit, short sleeved sweater (because it is still AUGUST and HOT) and put a belt on with it.  I decided the belt aspect  on with my sweater would make me look more “hip” for my lunch . The girls I was eating with are all cute, younger than me and career women. I didn’t want to represent the fat mom in yoga pants so much that day. Besides, I see people (and mannequins) belting sweaters all the time and think how cute they look and how easy it’d be for me to copy that in my own cheap way. I got the perfect belt at Rue 21 etc! (don’t judge me…) a few weeks ago for $3 on sale and have been waiting for the perfect opportunity.

I belted my sweater and straightened my shirt and turned to the mirror.

Not too bad! I already looked hipper and “with it”.  Then, I relaxed my stomach and slouched to see what I’d look like if I forgot to suck in my stomach as hard as I could. I realized I  looked pregnant . Sadly enough,  instead of being disgusted, I cheerily though, “wow, look how amazingly cute I’d be if I was pregnant. If I decide to have more kids I should *totally* wear this outfit. ” and I did the classic, one hand above and one hand below the precious baby bump, “Seriously, I look SO FREAKING CUTE PREGNANT- OH WAIT- I’m not. Crap. I just look fat.”

Not 100% sure about this belted sweater thing, I decided to experiment a little  so I’d look my best. I  moved it from right below my bra to around my stomach, which instantly I  saw was a really, really bad idea because it just made my muffin top look much more like a spare tire. It bulged my baby belly between the tight belt and the top of my jeans. EEEESH. Moving the belt NOW.

When I put the belt around the ‘spare tire’ I just looked fat because it emphasized my widest point on my body. BLEH. Moving it to my hips just looked weird and was basically showcasing my muffin top in all it’s glory. Since, between us, that isn’t my favorite feature on my body that option, too, was out. SO,  after all of that fun I  moved it back up to right below my bra and just decided to *remember* suck in my stomach so no one asked me when I was due. It worked. Unless I sat down, but whatever…

I then wondered if I even had the stupid belt on the right way. I did the traditional buckle in the front look- but I’ve seen the buckle in the back before… AND I GIVE UP! I wore the belt and decided that it was nice I’m so fashion oblivious that I had no idea if I looked good or not!