The last few weeks I’ve had writer’s block and it has slowly gotten worse, like a tightening noose. Other writers can relate to this excessive statement! It’s like being on a road trip and having to go to the bathroom but there are no rest stops- which is a bit of a crude analogy but gets the point across. When I feel this way- as it is every time I have writer’s block- it’s because there is something I need to acknowledge in my life.
I got so busy with life, trying to create beauty and magic for the boys during the Christmas season that sometimes I’d get to the end of the day and realize I did nothing for myself, for my soul. But I’m a stubborn one and I would just push through, force life to happen my way, with my head down and feet planted. Also, in this time, I’ve been reflecting on the year that just ended and remembering it all. The beauty, the good, the shame, the embarrassment and pain. I feel each emotion like I am standing next to that time, watching myself in that very moment. Which decisions were good, which ones I am regretting- all of it like I’m still there. Sometimes I catch myself making a face, shaking my head or muttering that was stupid as I recall some specific incident. I’ve focused more on the bad than the good during these times.
Because- I’m critical and judgmental and I fight it every day. I watch myself too closely and become the center of my own weakness.
I have stopped and forced myself to be still. In that stillness, there is clarity. Where clarity is there is truth and where truth happens peace will follow. I regret nothing. In that deep place of my heart, I am satisfied.
I am lacking nothing. I have exactly what I want and need.
There are always going to be shiny objects to chase and “what-if’s” that haunt but when I stop and am still and listen… I know I am on the right path and that the every deviation of the last year has just been part of my journey. I am so thankful for it all, even the hard times sharpened me and defined me better. The good times I drank up without ever being completely full but I don’t want to be- that longing for the more of God is what drives me.
I can’t believe what a wild ride 2012 was! It was amazing and the first year I can honestly say that I felt sunlight in a long, long time. It was a coming out of sorts; a growing up and maturing that cut me deeply to the core but the healing and purging that was done was life-breathing, soul-rocking awesomeness. I am at peace when I choose to embrace it.
I am excited about this year and extremely optimistic. I feel like a weight was lifted of my shoulders and the fog was lifted. My heart pounds fast when I think of everything that is in the works and plans that are being made. I see doors opening and although they seem miles away, I content myself by focusing and living well in the present.
It’s not easy. I have been fighting fatigue and exhaustion lately and every day I lose my patience. I have to constantly close my eyes while gritting my teeth and pray for strength while I hear myself pray for the day to end so I can crawl into into bed.
Life is so much more than surviving, it’s about living with joy and intention and I’m happy to be here now.