salsa & margs

September 22, 2011 by · 6 Comments

Dinner tonight- salsa & margaritas- usually out for a girl’s night on Thursday’s, was made at home and ate with Ben and the boys to save money. :) See- even broke I have a sense of humor. (the humor being the smiley face…)

It’s been a week now.

Last week has sucked not been the best one. It’s been like a weird, pseudo vacation or long weekend. I keep expecting Ben to leave and go to work and he’s. still. here. It’s not all bad- just… weird. We’ve had a little sicknesses, a house guest, and I’m having trouble getting out of bed.

I need a xanax.

Maybe someday I’ll regret posting things that were exactly what I was thinking at the time. I doubt it mostly- simply because one of my biggest pet peeves within the Christian community is the fact that a TESTIMONY is good. How God got you through something, how you were redeemed or saved. How whatever it is that you were struggling with is a thing of the past.

What about right now? What if I’m not doing good right now- if I’m struggling, praying blessings into my life but at the same time feeling scared and doubting? I keep hearing this song by Laura Story “What if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears?” and I am thinking “NO MORE FREAKING RAIN PLEASE!”

I am broken, but also just another person struggling with fear, anxiety and some anger. I wonder if I should take anti-depressants for a month or so and also wonder if that means I’m not trusting in God. My heart pounding  in the nights, I pray myself through.

Don’t misunderstand  me, my life is rich and full- I’m not lamenting life right now, just the details and the getting back to good.

and I wonder…

What do people do in their lives that don’t have the constant drama that mine seems too? Aren’t they bored? What does having healthy, “normal” kids feel like? What does it feel like to have a good, steady job? I’m not trying to complain- just really wonder how different life would be. During the relatively calm lull in my life we bought a fixer upper while I was 6-months-pregnant and spent 12-hours-a-day for weeks getting it ready to move into. That was my vacation from the drama. Ha ha!

I’m just trying to explain that even with God, even trusting and feeling inexplicably peaceful most of the time, there are moments where I’m a panicked, blubbering mess. I want to stay in bed, not eat anything and then I eat way too much. I’m MOSTLY trusting God. Most of the time. Does that count for anyone?

and the thing is I could write a positive post right now. I could write about how I’m overcoming life’s hardships with God’s help, all the great things I’m doing and about my new blender that I love because that is happening right alongside the bad.

The reason I’m saying anything is for the people who are ashamed to tell anyone that they struggle or doubt until they get through it. Come as you are. Share the journey, it’s just as important.

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  • The Park Wife

    Beautifully written and I am so proud of you for writing from your heart –the TRUTH about what you are going through. As I know you heard me say at the blog conference (several times probably), always write the truth, not what you think blog readers want to read. Be your authentic self. Keep it up girlie! Oh, and here is one of my favorite quotes:

    “Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?” Fanny Brice

    The Park Wife

  • Katy

    Thanks so much for sharing & being honest, and I agree that as Christians we need to be the most REAL people out there!! What are we benefitting from hiding our fears/anxieties/doubts?? The drama in your life seems almost ceaseless, but you always bear it with grace. The fact your writing thus & asking yourself these questions shows the health & sustainability of your faith. And also- your life speaks for your faith. Your children are happy, healthy & extraordinary! Your marriage, your friendships, helping others is evidence of your dedication to others. Do not doubt yourself. You’ve always been a source of wisdom for me in my life. I pray for you guys everyday. Wish I could give you a hug. But perhaps someone will read about your story and say- that’s me!! My favorite recent quote “My life is my message.” (Ghandi) Love you!

  • Amber Kay

    Heidi I loved reading this post. That probably sounds terrible since you are struggling, but I feel that it is very refreshing to see that everyone is human. I struggle with a lot of the same issues. Even though I know God has a plan and I trust him fully, I also find myself doubting the reasons for my struggles. My oldest daughter Lanie has had numerous problems since birth and every time I think we have made it through the worst, there is always bad news somewhere around the corner. And now as we face a kidney and liver transplant in the near future I just want to throw my hands up and say I am done. But I know that, that would get me nowhere. So thank you for posting something that probably wasn’t easy to post. It has comforted me knowing I am not alone and everyone struggles. I will keep you in my prayers for strength and comfort!

  • Kim

    Thanks for this post! Real is so refreshing. I’m praying for blessings for you.

  • Kitty Osmon

    Heidi- Great post! Thank you for sharing. The dessert times are so hard. Honesty helps us not become insane! Or, so it is for me! I also want to affirm you in what you said in your previous post about wanting to guard how you talk with your husband. That is so important and a most worthy effort! Our words can be a source of encouragement, security, and peace for them. It also goes the other way, and well, we’re human and it’ll happen! But, love does cover a multitude of sins. When I was getting gas the other day I saw an advertisement for the energy drink you like! Made me smile! The Lord is good and does see you right where you are. Our family will continue praying for yours.

  • http://www.goodairin.blogspot.com Melanie

    Girl I’ve been there. In fact, I was just there for most of the past year. And this isn’t the first time. I will spare you all the crazy details and just say that we went through about 9 months of thinking it couldn’t get any worse (and being proven wrong over and over again) back a few years ago, before we moved back to Ar. Our preacher told us something that has really kept our heads sort-of up when things look bad…when you are living your life for God and are the closest to Him, that’s when the devil starts bombarding you. And that was so true for us. We had found a great church, were very active, life was going just like we wanted it to and then things started happening. I look back and know that we could never have pulled out of that alone. We had God, we had each other and we had our friends. And we made it. Fast forward a few years and it happened again. I can finally say that we can see the light, but we didn’t do it alone. Lean on God, your family and friends. The friends that truly care about you will listen to you complain and hand you a tissue when you cry. Just hold on and keep praying. It will get better. I’m praying for you.