As we began the love stories series I wrote an introduction for Gracie that opened the entire series. It was easy for me to write an intro to the stories she would be sharing. I know Jacob and Gracie’s story well. I have been blessed to be a part of it, however writing my own love story presented many challenges in my mind and my heart. We will also be talking about children in the coming months and this also has been a topic that has proven to be difficult for me.
Everyone sharing their love stories has caused me to look at my relationships and my own love story. To be honest, my love story has been pretty broken. The combination of these two topics has brought up many of my insecurities, which I will be sharing today.
The most recent relationship I was in, I thought it would be my last… and well… it wasn’t.
If truth were to be told this particular break up left me in shambles.
One Thursday evening the words… ” I can’t love you the way I should, and I think we need to take a break”… changed my life.
Even though every reason the man that I loved with all of my heart gave me for this break up was all about him and his current state in life, it was incredibly difficult not to believe in the deepest part of me that it was because of something essential to who I am. I spent months feeling worthless and numb in every aspect of my being. Along with the feelings of worthlessness and shame, came the reality of many life plans suddenly changing.
Everything that had begun to shape my future over six months time of investing and trusting shattered with the pain of a thousand broken and lost dreams.
The Lord slowly began to heal my heart. It has been a long process, but I am truly on the other side of that brokenness. I am so very thankful for the faithfulness of the Lord Jesus. There has been a lot of good that I have learned from all of this.
At the same time… I was with someone that I planned to never part from… and… we parted.
My heart went somewhere with a man that it had never gone with anyone. To pull your heart back form that place… it is so so incredibly difficult.
The only way I can describe the feeling is this: It is like walking down the hall wearing a backpack. Then all of a sudden, someone walks up behind you, grabs the backpack and pulls on it as hard as they can.
That moment throws you so off balance that it takes a few moments to recover your previous direction of walking. This is how I feel on occasions when all of the lies flood in concerning my present position in life.
In light of this last relationship, my heart longs so much more often than it did before to be back in that place of loving, trusting and serving another person.
The longing it’s self isn’t bad- it is a desire Christ has placed in my heart. The problem comes, however, when the longing is accompanied by lie after lie that I too often choose as ultimate truth.
I have a great job, a steady income, a car that runs, friends, family and a roof over my head. There are many wonderful things in my life, but there are moments where I feel inadequate in every aspect, because I am 30 and don’t have a husband and/or children.
Talking about love stories and children is beautiful, and I know that it is exactly where we should be here at thebusynothings, but it has been very challenging for me to not feel as if I have nothing to bring to the table on these topics.
At times in life, I feel left behind or that I am missing some simple key that everyone in the world around me, except me, just seems to get.
Many of the lies that overtake me are along these lines: where I am in life is due to all my flaws and negative choices, that something is deeply wrong with me, I am too much or not enough, I am doing something wrong, something is just overall wrong with who I am, I am not as mature as others around me, or so many other lies that flood into my head and heart in regards to the area of marriage and children some day.
Choosing to listen to these lies and allowing them to be my truth violently jerks me backwards every time I allow them to define me and my identity.
This only means that I have to take off the backpack with all of the baggage and lies, and leave it behind and move on into the truth of Jesus.
I am not there by any means, but I am working towards it, and trying to allow the Lord to move in these places as much as possible.
The Lord is changing me but it doesn’t take the challenge away.
All of this only provides me more and more of an opportunity to depend on the Lord.
So I will keep going and depending on him in my weakness, while allowing him to take my backpack and walk with me.