perception & transparency
Later this week Bear has an appointment with a gastroenterologist (and yes, I spelled that right the first time!) at Children’s Hospital. If you were about to click away to google what a “gastroenterologist” is, I’ll just fill you in my layperson’s terms: A stomach and intestines doctor who deals with all sorts of hard-to-diagnose issues. Which is what we have had for years with Bear, but it’s not life threatening, just a constant reality.
I’m a little frustrated and worried. The last specialist we saw this spring had Bear in surgery within a few weeks. I know that his stomach and intestines issue has gotten worse so the reality is that we could be scheduling a second surgery.
I don’t really know how to feel. I’ve ignored the paperwork sitting on my desk because I don’t want to read it because it makes it REAL. I feel thankful as well, a friend of mine just was able to leave the hospital after a very scary few weeks where the possibility she would loose her child was real. I’m so thankful that even with all the heath issues we’ve had with Bear we’ve NEVER had to spend 1 night in the hospital, which is pretty amazing. Her story is beautiful and soul stirringly real, read it over on The Run Amuck.
I’m walking the line where my stomach does churn with fear sometimes but I breath out Yahweh and give Bear back. Some days my heart pounds out loud and I think about each breath because it hurts so bad, but just for that moment.
The truth is that I’ve been prideful. I’ve not wanted to share my struggles with Bear because I wanted to look strong and together. Perception is so powerful and I got tired of being real all the time- I want people to think that I’m amazing but the truth is that sometimes it’s a day by day struggle. I’m hurting, but I’m at peace. I trust but sometimes I feel like a wave in the ocean driven by wind.
So, from a humble place, I am asking for prayer for us this week. That the doctor will say we wasted our trip to Little Rock, that the problems are less severe than we think they are and all the in-between stuff like safe travels and in general health. Because, if I’m going to ask for prayer, why not just get covered where I can? I need it friends, I’m feeling worn thin right now.