This was May of 2011 and it was one the most beautiful weddings that I have ever been in, in every aspect of the word. It was in a beautiful location, there were great friends involved, Jacob and Gracie’s journey to this point had been one of great beauty, and still is. I loved being a part of this and I have loved with all of my heart being a part of every wedding that I have been in.
However, if you noticed the word weddings… that’s right weddings. This beautiful wedding was my 13th wedding to be a bridesmaid in. I have been so honored that each friend who desired me to be there did so. I also believe that standing in that place in a wedding ceremony is standing beside them and proclaiming that you will walk with them in their marriage and accountability. I feel that there is a huge weight of commitment before the Lord to being asked to be in that place and I take that very seriously.
Even in all of that however, is the looming number 13,( why yes that is half way to 27 dresses I am so very aware.) Then there is being given the long title of, “Always A Bridesmaid Never A Bride” that inevitably follws these events as they add up.
Then in the actual wedding process there are those who are truly well meaning who make statements to you like you are terminally ill, “we are praying for you, you will be next (while rubbing your shoulder), it will happen in His time, the Lord has someone for you, I just know it.” “I’m not dying people… just single!!!!” ….is what I want to say, but I usually say things like, ” I know, hopefully soon, and I know it will in His time,” ( while smiling politely.)
As you may have read, Sarea posted recently about all of our relationship status’ and that we would all be posting about our individual journey’s well here is mine… I am 29, single and never been married.
I have had relationships and one particularly in the last few years that ended in devastating heart break. Even though there were moments that I hurt more than I knew was possible, the kind of hurt where everything, your body, mind, heart and soul ache and grieve, the Lord has become more loving and beautiful to me than ever before. This relationship was hard to lose because it was the first relationship in which we began looking towards marriage. The Lord has taught me so much and changed me in so many ways from that point. As painful as it’s ending was I don’t regret that relationship at all. I am looking forward to seeing how this relationship has shaped me for future relationships.
Being 29 and single is beautiful and painfully hard all in the same beating second.
I moved to KC this year and I found that being 29 and single isn’t as abnormal as I felt it was. I lived in NWA for many years and as I kept getting older it become more and more difficult to find people my age who weren’t married who I could find community with. It seems that those in NWA marry at a younger age than in some other areas. NWA is a family focused community which is so great but when you don’t have a family it can often make you feel like an outsider. While living in NWA I found myself having younger and younger friend groups, (outside of my married friends), because they were the groups of people who were single.
I began to see this year in KC it isn’t strange or seen as you are missing out when you are my age and single, which is often how it felt in NWA, it is just something that is. People don’t ask, “why you are still single?”, ” are you seeing anyone?…really?… well why not?” or say you should do this and that to find someone. It’s something people just dont think about as much. It was nice to find community that helped me feel that where I am in life was not only okay but beautiful.
This revelation and where the Lord has taken me this year has helped me be okay with where I am in life.
However, even in the joy of loving my friends and their relationships there were, and still are, moments where Satan would come in and begin speaking so many lies about my value and worth.
There often these looming thoughts such as:
*I am doing something wrong in life?
*I’m not good enough or that I am too much in some way?
*That all my past relationships not working was solely due to my lack or abundance of something?
*Have I missed the voice of the Lord some how?
There are so many other lies that flood in when you see so many around you getting one of the things your heart desires, some days, desire the most.
When I see it being played out in front of me, I know that there is something good in it and as humans we long for what is good. In all of this I am so thankful for the married friends around me because I know that my relationship one day will be so much healthier and glorifying to the Lord because of those in my life who have gone before me.
I truly embrace and so often love where I am, who I am and how I can walk in ministry due to being single. In being single I have traveled overseas many times. I have been blessed to work in places where I would not have been able to other wise. I can still pick my life up and move any where for anything. I have just picked myself up and road tripped with friends. I have experienced so many beautiful things in the last 12 years of my life because I am single. I am trying to run into the Lord in new deeper ways and truly embrace where he has me and trust that He is working all things to the good of those who call upon His name.
So for now it is me and Jesus. I am good, happy and joyfully walking down this great journey He has me on. If he brings someone along that will be such a joyful day but He and I are living a great and joyful life together. This is real life and it is a good life whether with someone or single, it is good and real. I still long to be married but I also Long to be with my Jesus right now as well and to live out to the fullness the Life He has given me.