of patience and the heartache


aspens

Most of you didn’t know, some of you had heard and a few of you knew it all. We had expected to be living somewhere else this week.  I’ve lightly mentioned it, but it started last July, when we both felt God tell us we were moving to the mountains. We pursued the avenue we felt he called us through.

and it didn’t work out.

Simply, it wasn’t his will. Perhaps it’s at this time, perhaps things changed or even perhaps we misunderstood. 

It still was crushingly disappointing, we had pursued what we felt God had told us to and it didn’t happen. It was a rush to feel we were in his will and trusting in his leading us! There were so many confirming things, peace and confidence in this- we didn’t waver or doubt but held it with open hands. Or perhaps I just said your will be done while packing mentally… So last month when it didn’t work out- I was sad for Ben, felt a weird relief, but still found myself strangely hurting and confused spiritually. Disappointment?

However, this is not what I’m thinking about today. Plans don’t work out. Life is unexpected. God’s timing isn’t our timing. I know, I get it. I say it to others even but yet… in this…. I saw a lot of ugliness in myself I hadn’t know was there.

my heart was angry at God. my trust in him was broken and I was aghast at myself when I realized it. I had lied when I said I trusted, because, I found, I only trusted him when our wills were seemingly aligned.

“patience, ” I sigh at my 3 and 6 year olds, as they frown and growl in anger at blocked goals, waiting and not getting what they want when they want it.

that log in my own eye looses my perception.

 

I thought that by this time in my life I’d be there, that elusive place of maturity and peace. 

I find myself more perplexed about life and this world than ever. Things I was so certain about I know hesitate, words stuck on the tip of my tongue, uncertainty all the sudden tying.

I struggle. I doubt. I wrestle. I question.

I’m a Thomas- and I don’t feel bad about recognizing that about myself anymore.

It’s in my hurt and confusion that I move forward- perhaps there will be a fall back soon, I may dig in for awhile, but I will push through. In my doubt, I seek his face more. In my grief, I cling and grasp to his feet. I press on because it’s worth it, he is worth it and in spite of it all- my peace is only found in his truth.

So, I give in to the here and now. I give up my plans in open palmed surrender. I look at my task ahead of me instead of the horizon and I see what I have right here is so very good.

 

I breathe deeply, the katydids are late summertime loud outside and the over grown crepe mertles tap against my window like a lover throwing pebbles.

Yawyeh. My breath of life.

I lay my head back, my shoulders fall. I rest well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Katy Schmidt

    As usual your words are painfully truthful while being stunningly beautiful!

  • bonnie

    I so agree Katie!

  • Curtis Wray

    As you know, we share the same disappointment. It is so hard to submit to God’s timing when we live in this instant world.
    Wednesday I read James 4 and was stopped in my tracks by verse 3 “When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with the wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your own pleasures.” Yes, I know God has placed so many things in front of me I know it’s his leading.
    However, am I in step with him keeps popping into my mind after I read this verse. Is it my desires that are prompting me or is it to follow God’s desires.
    Encouraging words are in verse 8, “come near to God and he will come near to you!”
    Hang in there.

  • http://TheBusyNothings.com Heidi

    Thanks Curtis! I know you guys understand and I appreciate the encouragement!

  • http://TheBusyNothings.com Heidi

    Thanks Bonnie!

  • http://TheBusyNothings.com Heidi

    Thanks Katy! You made my day, I feel so unpretty emotionally when I write sometimes.

  • Karla Rae

    Such a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your heart, Heidi. I just want to encourage you to not be too quick to label this experience as a misunderstanding or to be upset with yourself for being excited and then disappointed. You have a PARTIAL understanding (not a misunderstanding) of where and why God is leading you, and that understanding is growing all the time. Sometimes He leads us to dead ends and when we arrive, we think there’s nothing there for us, and we have to turn around and head back to where we started. Those experiences seem like mistakes, but I don’t believe they are.
    If you wanted to climb Everest, you would climb to your base camp first, and spend several days there doing short climbs and returning to camp repeatedly. The destination isn’t really important, but the process is; that time at base camp and all the “dead end” climbs are absolutely necessary to adjust to the the altitude, prepare and condition your body, try out your gear, build teamwork with fellow climbers, and probably a lot of other things (I’m not a climber!).
    Maybe this experience was a practice run leading up to a bigger experience later and gave you new knowledge, skills, and faith that you’ll continue using and developing.

  • Heidi Clark

    Thanks Katy! I thought I replied here and apparently it didn’t go through. I appreciate your support!

  • Heidi Clark

    Thanks Bonnie! :)

  • Heidi Clark

    Thank you Karla! I appreciate you taking the time to comment! Sometimes my posts are a bit dramatic as I work through things. :) But I do agree with you and really like your perspective. Yes, it does seem like a dead end right now and what you say makes it feel less like waste. THANK YOU!

  • Heidi Clark

    Thanks Curtis! I know that you understand. :) ) I love James. It’s that slap in the face reality check that I need sometimes but the truth is healing.