he’s growing up…
I have a special needs child. But I am normal, I swear.
It’s not something that I usually ever talk about. I’m not sure why- I don’t identify myself as a special needs mom typically. Maybe it’s because his disability is pretty “easy” right now and I don’t feel the depth of it all, but in some ways that might be the best way to go through it.
It’s like getting in a pool, the way I like to, one footstep at a time, feeling deeply the slide of the water over my skin, inch by inch.
The initial diagnoses was a body shock to our lives but we’ve regrouped since then.
Bear has problems and we deal with things that a lot of other parents haven’t and won’t. We take him to therapy a few times a week. He had 2 surgeries last year. He has specialist doctor’s appointments, we are now gluten free because of him and the doctor’s words of he’ll never leave home, he’ll never drive, he’ll never marry, he’ll be mentally retarded loom on the back burner, simmering. I’m positive, believe and hope for the best however.
I don’t talk about it because well, people get uncomfortable when I do. They don’t know what to say and that is completely fine- but that’s not what this is about today.
He is starting kindergarten in the next month and I feel… terrified.
*What if he is bullied?
*What if the teacher doesn’t listen to him and he has a potty accident?
*What if he doesn’t make any friends?
*What if all the other kids are mean?
*What if he doesn’t thrive?
*What if …
I can’t look at his school supply list. I feel a heaving sob and just SHUT DOWN. The anxiety attacks are back. I guess Ben will have to shop for him- but then I worry…
*What if he doesn’t have the cool back pack? (Like I even know myself)
*What if the Transformers binders that he likes aren’t cool and the kids are more into Ironman?
*What if recess isn’t long enough and they tell me to medicate him? What if that’s the best choice?
*What if OH GOSH *he* is a bully? What then?
Life is so completely unexpected. I have realized how little I have control over in my life. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I plan, hope, pray and help I won’t be able to save him from pain. From rejection.
I can’t protect him.
that grieves me to my core.
and I know how very normal that is for a mom to feel.
I’m so very normal.