Earning Bread

Lately I’ve wanted to post on a new DIY or craft-esque idea- but honestly I’ve not had the time or the energy to do anything. I think my ability to receive inspiration and have excitement has a lot to do with how things are going on in my life and lately everything has been different and a little difficult.

Different isn’t always bad- but usually when it’s different things like hobbies take a back seat. My blog has evolved over the years. At first it was to share funny stories or pictures of Bear, then it evolved into my struggle to cope with his disability. I was silent for awhile after I had Bug because even my favorite hobby of blogging was too much of a task. I desire to always be transparent and real. I think one of the worst things a blogger can be is fake and pretend to be someone she isn’t- but what if I become something so real that it’s just… unattractive?

I’m sitting here in bed, so much earlier than usual, because once again I’m processing life’s curveballs. I think every situation can be made into something good, if not good, it can be made into something better by our response to it. and I have a confession to make… I don’t WANT to. I want to sit down and weep for myself. I’m exhausted, but part of that is due to the fact my body wants to shut down and sleep when I’m overwhelmed.

As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, I got a job last week. It’s a great job and flexible. In fact, I’m really enjoying the distraction of work because my brain can get in the “work” groove and forget my personal life for a few hours. The good and the bad is that I can work from home. It’s been a little difficult to separate the two but I think after this week it’ll be better.

The bad parts are just the simple adjusting to working, the fact that MY baby, my comforting little lap top isn’t working and everything feels WRONG while I’m writing  AND the fact I found out Ben was laid off today.

Like, my part-time job suddenly has been promoted to bread winner.

 I WANT to feel sorry for myself, I want to feel pity and curl up in a ball and cry. I want to say REALLY?!  THIS ISN’T WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR up at the sky like I’m Job loosing everything. …and I know that is melodramatic, I even told myself that. We have each other, we have our heath, we have close, supportive family and yes- I’m trying my very best to see the good.

Because the bad is a spiral I don’t want to ever go down again.

Has your husband ever lost his job? Did that cold sliver of fear creep into your heart? I’m praying, crying, trusting and fake smiling, scared someone who cares will ask me how I am doing. Someone who doesn’t know yet. I don’t want to tell anyone. I don’t them to suddenly feel the pressure of saying the right thing or feel sorry for me. I’ve been doing a *great* job of that today already. Hahahahah

So in between my pity parties I want to be a person I’m not ashamed of in 6 months when things are better, different. I want to trust in God to provide and look for ways that he’s already doing it. I want to see that I respected Ben and didn’t fall back into snarky and sarcatic snipes at him. I want to see that I nurtured my kids and didn’t just ignore them, I want us to THRIVE even in this. Is it possible? I don’t know. I do know that I can’t do it alone. I need God, friends and prayer. Please pray for us.

  • Sarea Brockman

    I love you…All of you! We’ll get through this. I am here if you need me: to watch kids, bring you Sonic drinks, get your toes did, or even clean out your nasty meat melted non-freezer, freezer…XOXO

  • Sarea Brockman

    Um…Sarea Brockman???? Must go ‘update’ my google account IMMEDIATELY! 😉
    Sarea CLARK!

  • http://twitter.com/jdilday J. Dilday

    Yes, I’ve been there. And its tough to keep your chin up. And even when you are a woman of faith and try to “lean on Him”, you may have doubts. What I know, having come out the other side, is that there was TREMENDOUS blessing in that time and – lets face it – we’re just not disciplined enough to have done the work ourselves. We had to be PUSHED into it. Her are a couple of my posts from that time, hope it helps! http://jdilday.wordpress.com/2010/02/

  • http://twitter.com/jdilday J. Dilday

    And one more. . . . keep singing this song! http://jdilday.wordpress.com/2010/03/03/while-im-waiting/

  • http://www.adollopofmylife.com lindseylu

    Drew’s never been layed off, but he’s been overseas. And that fear is probably a little similar as your husband being laid off. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring. And you know what? It’s ok to question God. That’s the beauty of the Christian faith– He meets us where we are at, comforts us in our discomfort, and waits for us to pick up our boot straps and start trudging again. I’ll be praying for you!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=589041347 Laurel Druding Loh

    Sorry life is hard right now. My issues are different but also hard so I empathize to a point. I too expected a different life and am disappointed that I don’t have it. I have a lot but it’s not what I wanted and that’s all there is. :(