My boys. My crazy little bundles of energy every day amaze and challenge me. The other day someone said, “I hope I’m as cool as a mom as you are,” and they meant it! ….and it left me (flattered, yes) confused.
Me? Geez- I assume people read my Facebook and Twitter updates to either remind themselves why they don’t really want kids deep down, or to make the other crazy moms feel like at least if they are crazy club then we have each others company.
Today I worked from home and was reminded why, well, that doesn’t really work out that well. I mean, I got what I needed to get done accomplished but if I was really honest, either I was working and ignoring my kids (to which a pried off molding and brightly colored chalk drawing on my door can attest) or I wasn’t really working.
My boys really don’t play quietly… or all that well for very often and I find myself torn between the guilt of “hey kids watch netflix” and “well, they aren’t paying me to go to walmart to purchase Super Hero costumes at 10 am”.
I work really hard. Sometimes too hard. Because I love what I do.
I’ve realized now that it’s not that I”m a workaholic like I had thought… I’d justified working 70 and 80 hour weeks before- saying it gave me identity… that it gave me purpose but I’ve discovered that it was an old enemy wearing a different guise- People Pleasing.
Isn’t it weird how something you think you’ve worked through comes back again and again disguised in a different costume?
It’s as convincing as my kids in their new super hero costumes, calling each other by their hero names.
“Help me Captain America!”
“I’ll rescue you Ironman! ba ba ba bahhh” (singing their own theme music)
They live in a different identity with each costume piece, utterly convinced that they have the powers of what ever super hero they are wearing.
What if I did that? Instead of being tricked by old foes, wore the identity of truth, among other things? Taking the negative captive and destroying it. (I can hear boy boys screaming “SHOOT THEM, GET THE BAD GUY!”)
If I lived in the reality of who I really am- took captive the deceptive lies cloaked in a new mask and actually lived my life in the security of truth.
I’d really like that.
The other day on my way to the gym (yes, shameless pat on the back here), I didn’t turn my radio on. That is not normal for me, I love music! I just felt like thinking and I don’t get a lot of time to do that. I mean, I don’t MAKE time to do that. I am not talking about thinking about what’s for dinner, my ‘To Do List’, or little things like that, but LIFE. Then I started wondering…How many of us actually take the time to do that?
We are so bombarded by media, technology and others opinions, when do we take time to think for ourselves, or ponder what is really important in life? Thirty minutes alone with my thoughts and I was on the verge of becoming a hot mess!
I have been divorced for 3 1/2 years now, and if I am being honest, I don’t know who I am outside of mother, daughter, sister, friend, and employee. I’ve started a journal (a beautiful hand bound leather journal) that is going to be about me rediscovering myself. I will not pretend for even a moment that this is going to be a fun journey, or a painless one either. I’ve made a lot of strides in my life over the last few years and I am happy for that, but I still have this nagging feeling that I am missing part of the bigger picture…
I am planning a “Sareacation” (yes, I just made that up!) in a couple of weeks when the kids are at their dads. I want to purposely set aside some time for me to just think, dream, pray and write. If I can figure out a way to articulate myself, perhaps I will share part of this journey with you.
P.S. On a lighter note, speaking of the gym…I had my first locker room shower experience yesterday and I am thinking it might be blog worthy! Stay Tuned!