The winter landscape is beautiful in it’s bareness and bleakness. I love the yellow of the grass, the blue of the mountains and nakedness of the trees. It’s the kind of quiet that makes your head ring and the wind sound like chimes on the bare branches. There is a richness there that makes my heart ache. Some feelings can’t be put into words, they are too much or too deep. I like it when that happens, it’s a secret for me that I’m actually incapable of telling.
A few weeks ago at the ultrasound the doctor found something on the baby’s brain. We don’t know if it is anything, it may just be nothing. The what it “could be” is always scary, even when all the statistics seem in your favor. Even when the doctor says he’s not concerned YET. It’s what “could be” that sticks in your brain like a burrowing weevil.
What could be is that the white spots on the brain indicate an extra chromosome- which could be Downs or Edwards Syndromes.
I know it sounds crazy, but I’m ok. I’m not happy, I’m a little freaked out but I’m ok. It is impossible to describe, the feelings are too much to write. I really feel that this baby will be fine, that they will find nothing on the next ultrasound. I have no reason to feel this way, it goes beyond human understanding, but my hope isn’t in something I can describe. I know what I believe, I know that people are praying for me and this child, and I feel a peace. I can’t worry about this now, I can’t go there yet, but when I do, all I know is that God will be with me.
and for those who say that God will not give you more than you endure… you are wrong. That isn’t what the verse says or means. God WILL give you more than you can endure, I have already been there. Because it’s there, in your complete and utter weakness, in your failure and hopelessness, that you stop trying and are forced to really depend on him.