Heidi’s theory

February 28, 2008 by · 7 Comments

I have this new theory, and I want comments back on this one. I’ve been thinking about this for awhile, and I’m not sure yet if I truly believe my theory, it’s just something gradually building in my brain and now I want your input. I have been thinking that it’s easier for people who have lived the life fueled by hedonism to understand the grace of God so much better that those who haven’t and possibly have a deeper understanding of who God is b/c of it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret NOT having a lot of regrets, but sometimes I feel like my relationship with God hovers in the shallow water when almost every strong Christian (with a “past”) I’m close to has this deep water level with God. The grace they get from God is so life changing that they are different people… and sometimes I can’t relate. I’ve always been embarrassed that my testimony is so plain, I’ve always wanted some “I was in the streets on heroine and hit rock bottom and saw the light” kind of testimony. Like I said before, there are consequences that go along with that, and I don’t want them or the regrets, I just want the joy that the grace received brings. I don’t consider my relationship with God to be shallow, as I may have implied earlier, I just wish it had more depth. I may regret being this open on my blog later, but I am feeling kind of like a buoy in the ocean right now, not really moving, not going anywhere. (to stick with the water metaphor) I think that I’m where I’m suppose to be right now, God has called me to be mommy and it’s great. I think I need to find happiness where I’m at and not the next step that I’m always thinking about, obsessing about. Hmmmm. I kind of got away from my theory premise to my blog but oh well! Thoughts??

Filed Under: God, grace, theory ·
  • Anonymous

    Ever studied about the depravity of man?

    Sometimes it takes heroine, but really we are much closer in how alike we are to a heroine-abuser than how alike we are to God, and then think that He has made us His righteousness in Christ. Even if someone has never even had a bad thought (obviously neither of us would be accused of that), taking on the righteousness of Christ is something to be pretty pumped about.

    Don’t be sad you didn’t used to be a ho! It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Besides, you have time to be brought through many fires yet.

    I do know what you mean, though.
    ~Amber

  • David & Katy

    hey poo face how come i’m always reading/commenting on your blogs but it is not reciprocated….i do appreciate your blogs though, lets me into heidi’s strange little head…an in depth and deep head…strange way to describe it…but i appreciate your honesty as always…

  • David & Katy

    oh and maybe you should have some “shady” years like me…according to your theory :) no i’m not making fun of it…never be ashamed of being consistent in your walk with God and not straying like others…although you may feel as though it has made your relationship “shallow”, it hasn’t, its just that you’ve been in a deeper relationship for a longer time and you’ve reached a wall others of us are yet to reach. its like old married couples who are a little blah with each other…its just a hump, a valley…AND you don’t have the baggage, regrets and flash backs to embarassing moments like other women do….you are the deepest woman i know heidi and never doubt your past…its God’s past for you…its what he intended…if this makes any sense…

  • Steph

    I understand exactly what you are talking about. SOmetimes I listen to testimonies of people who have been through so much and have done so many things–that when they come to know the Grace of God they seem to have such a better understanding of it, because they were in such a bad place. I know the Word talks about how every sin has the same outcome–death. I’m so grateful for Christ and that I fall under His grace, but sometimes his grace is very hard for me to grasp and I feel seperated from truly understanding. I also agree I’m glad we don’t have a lot of regrets, but in an odd way I sometimes envy people who’ve been to the bottom and physically felt Christ lift them up–their faith is so strong and alive.thank you for your honesty thats how we grow, and help one another. to know someone else is like us, and then sharing insight. Don’t regret posting it. I’m really glad you did

  • Kara

    everyone has a story. some more crazy than others. i was not someone who was brought from the depths, and i like you and steph am so grateful. although, now, going literally through the fire, i feel His grace daily, and sometimes i struggle. His grace was always there even before the fire, He is just teaching me what that looks like as I go through it and what it looks like on the other side. (whenever that might be) so i realize this might be rambling and may not even make sense, but i do feel ya. i can now be the person who is being gradually pulled up from the depths. i’m not there yet, but the process is….well, there are no words. love ya! thanks for being open and real. i, unlike you, can’t do that at this point. i just post pictures until i’m ready to be open…..:)

  • Amanda

    Heidi. I’m glad that you have a “relationship” with GoD. I remember going to a Church summer camp, and the speaker asking us if we could say “GoD, I love you” and mean it. It was a life changing question for me. No. I couldn’t. I didn’t really grow up hearing the four-lettered “L-word” very much, and I knew that it wasn’t something to be bandied around. I knew the why of loving, but the big question was the how! Was just saying it enough? Surely not. One reason I chose the church I joined was that it really felt like it made good people out of ordinary shmoes like me. I guess I try to be Christ-like, but I don’t really know any heroine users :) so maybe I don’t know how far off I am. ly, Heidi!

  • The Clarks

    thank you all for comments and being real with me! I’d love to take the time to write all of you back, but Summit’s been sick the last couple of days and I’m crazy busy. I’m going to re-visit this topic soon! LOVE YOU GUYS!