Due to a number of circumstances out of my realm of control (i.e. Ben not sharing his laptop) and my own personal shortcomings (i.e. laziness) I have been lax in my blogging efforts. I have started on one and am excited to finally finish and publish it, if for no other reason than to get this freaking monkey off my back already!
I will be traveling for the next few days, but never fear, do to the insane advances in technology in my lifespan and a IT husband who can do almost anything involving computers, I will be able to finish my white water rafting saga on ben’s laptop and then publish it directly with a wireless connection using a jailbroken iPhone. I know. Really.
We’ll be talking soon, friends.
Enjoy this, I’m going to Colorado for a week and don’t know how often I’ll be able to post!
You know how the general tendency is to take something for granted until it’s gone? I think it’s a prevailing habit among all humans, regardless of race or gender. There are a few people, though, who seem to grasp living in today, relishing life, the banquet it can be. I try to be thankful for every day, life regardless of how hard it can be, is still life; being alive is something of a thing of beauty.
Yesterday Summit was sick, he came down with it quickly. He woke up fine then by lunch he had a fever. He didn’t nap well, crying off and on for 2 hours then when I finally got him up, he didn’t want to be moved or put down. I laid in our recliner trying to entertain him for 3 or so hours. I couldn’t find the baby tylonol, it must still be in a box somewhere. He lay in my arms, miserable. This is the only time that he lays in my arms now.
and in a weird way I enjoyed it. All the things on my to do list were screaming at me in the background, claiming priority. The empty suitcases laughed at me and the laundry in the washer threatened to mold quickly if I didn’t change it to the dryer. My cats’ fur swirled around the concrete floor like little tumbleweeds. Dust bunnies ran wild.
But Summit and I snuggled in the blanket I never wanted to share. The super soft fabric comforted him and he held it against his feverish cheek. I sang to him, my low, crackly Demi Moore/ Kathleen Turner voice somehow soothing and not scaring him. He stared up at me, delighted with the sounds of “Jesus loves me,” “Make a joyful noise unto the lord” (how very appropriate for me), and “Amazing Grace” among others. It’s funny, it’s not like I like these old songs really, it’s just what comes to my mind when I want to sing to my child.
Sometimes the unexpected happens. It happens to everyone and no matter how much you run from reality, it will find you. I don’t think life has favorites, it’s pretty equal from what I’ve seen. The people that look like they have it together are the ones with the most to hide. I’ve decided the people for me are the broken ones, the ones who have experienced pain and loss and don’t try to smile through their tears. There is a realness to them that attracts me, they are thankful for every good day. Whatever it is, that darkness we all try to pretend isn’t there will eventually find us at some point in our lives. For me it’s all in how I respond to it, not letting the inconvenience of Summit getting sick get to me, among other things. I try to thank God for every day, even the bad ones. As I lay holding him, I felt peaceful knowing that that was what I was suppose to be doing at that time.
This post is stemming from the fact that recently I realized that most of my life has been built around escaping pain. I would dread the future and not live and appreciate the present. I remembered the song, “the hard way” by DC Talk (don’t judge! they were so cool when I was 9!!!) and I thought at the time, “well, if I do things the right way, I won’t have to suffer the consequences.” That sounds good on principle, but it’s not reality. And it makes for some insufferable pride and judgmental attitude towards others. It’s through, ironically enough, learning the hard way, that I am accepting reality, not fighting it anymore. Or, I should say, am daily struggling with it, but I’m aware that I struggle with it. Have a great weekend!